Shadow in the Darkness (echox) wrote,
Shadow in the Darkness



I'm just venting so nobody freak out on me...

i'm stressed out just about beyond my limits.

i'm freaking out over money. i didn't realize that an additional two more people would be such a burden on my financial well being.  twice as much food, twice as many cigarettes, and then the beer consumption.  i've had my water shut off twice in the past 3 months. i have had to take out a payday loan every payday for the past 3 or 4 paydays, just to get by.  i need to sit down, evaluate my bills, and give myself a budget. it's just a matter of doing it.

the living space is becoming to seem more cramped, although it's mainly just clothes everywhere, since there wasn't a whole lot more brought into the house. but the upkeep on the house is taking a major toll on me.  coming home when it was just me and pat (and ray), cooking dinner and doing the dishes every night seemed so easy.  but for some reason they just stack up and don't get done nearly as often.  more stuff laying around-more everything.  just seems allot more cluttered.  and for some reason over the past few months i have allowed it to get this way.  (*SMACK!*) 

i know that i don't have a physically demanding job, but the emotional and mental stress far more outways anything physical i could be doing.  i come home and all i want to do is chill out with my baby on the couch and vegitate my brain cells.  i don't want to think about ANYTHING that has to do with real life.  i call it my *WOOSH* time. just let everything during the day seep out of me. 

i've been seriously contemplating getting a second job. just waitressing a couple hours a couple nights a week.  that way i will always be busy and not think about the shit that is constantly running through my head.  and i would have a little extra $$ to help get through the month.  i need to come home and not *WOOSH* anymore and just take care of business.  i know this.  my expections of household anything has gone so far below my usual standards, so i need to just do things myself i think.  not expect anything from anyone. not ask anything of anyone. just do it myself.  i will be tired initially i know, but i know that i will eventually get over it. 

i need to quit being such a loser slug and get off of my ass and do shit. 
i need to make a TO DO list for myself and post them around the house like my dad used to do to me, so i remind myself that i can't be lazy all the time at home.  i am just feeling like such trailer trash that it isn't funny.  i need to get back to me, and get my house back to my standards.  otherwise i am going to end up on medications again.

i need to start meditating again a couple times a week and start practicing.  i know that when i practice, my energy levels are high and i feel great.  i have been letting it go down hill for some time now, and need to kick my ass back into gear.

i guess what i am trying to say is that i need to get back to me.  i need to start finding happiness in myself and not look outward to other people to fulfill that need.

But on a lighter of Patrick's depature to North Carolina and Griffen's new hair do!!

  and this was just a funny Oxymoron to me! 

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